


Philophobia

by ElenaWindWalker



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Drunken Shenanigans, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 20:56:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10544206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElenaWindWalker/pseuds/ElenaWindWalker
Summary: Where Allen hates Kanda's guts and falls in love with him without even realising it only to not confess due to the curse of killing the one he loves. Kanda loves him too but he is always showing it in subtle actions than words. Lenalee and Lavi teased them a bit cause they can't stand these two oblivious idiots. Yullen!





	

I love you. These three words are so easy to say yet they can hold so much meaning. That, Allen clearly knows well. Mana, his most important friend, the person who took care of him was the first person to open Allen's, heart. He, who thought his heart has turned to ice due to the harsh environment of living in the streets and rejection due to his arm. It didn't last long but Mana died and with heavy words that Mana told him, Allen continued walking on as an exorcist. He spent his time travelling around the world with his Master Cross who only appreciated the women and good, expensive, wine. Allen really thought his Master Cross was a genuine demon and scarier than the demons that the Earl made. In fact, he rather deals with the killing machines than spending his time paying Cross's debts. His prayer was finally answered with the huge impact of a hammer and him waking up to a small note with the location of something called The Order. Along with the familiar letters demanding him to pay back what his Master owed.

 

  
All in all, the Order was not what Allen expected because it was kind of nice something his master clearly was not. Nice except the fact they mistook him for a demon and Kanda tried to kill him. Even though that face should be illegal with how pretty he looked and that hair. God, what would Allen do just to touch it! Putting aside how thirsty he was, he clearly liked him till the point Kanda opened his mouth. That's when Allen realised how he hated that guy with a burning passion. If that exist. Lenalee, on the other hand, was practically an angel with how gentle and nice she is. She was practically a saint at this point and it did sort of help that she stopped Kanda from killing him. Yes, it played a huge role in making Allen think she was the best person and must be protected at all cost. Although, Allen can't help thinking how different she is compared to Komui who he assumes is clinically insane but just not diagnosed yet. Allen thinks he is not as bothered about Komui as he should be as long as he stays away from Lenalee when Komui is around and doesn't damage his innocence it should be fine. What was not fine, however, was how regardless of how competent he is, he hated Kanda's nonchalance towards him. How Kanda doesn't even seem to care and although Allen feels irked to mention it, it bothers him that Kanda doesn't seem to care about him the way Allen thinks he should because they already been to so many missions together. Till the point, they hated each other's guts but still trusted each with their backs. Still, care didn't mean liking and Allen think till his deathbed he will probably say this, he did nor does he now like Kanda.  


 

Maybe because the first impression of the sword wielding exorcist was that he tried to kill him but Allen didn't like Kanda from the beginning. It was Allen's policy to be polite and kind to everyone except Kanda. His smile will turn into a frown when seeing Kanda and insults were the way Allen and Kanda communicated. It seems that the feeling was mutual, Kanda didn't like Allen too but then again, Kanda didn't like anyone.  


 

"You die young. I hate your type." Kanda had once said to Allen. Allen couldn't control that now, could he? So he stayed out of Kanda's way and Kanda stayed out of his way. When they meet, they fight, it was a mutual agreement of some sort.

 

  
Even though they both bickered and didn't get along, many people or more like certain people like Lavi would come up to them and teased them saying they fought like an old married couple. Lenalee said they were like children fighting to get the attention of their crush. This was met with a typical 'Tch' from Kanda and Allen rolling his eyes as they ate lunch together. Something they did before their routine spar. As they walk out, Lavi will then say have a good date. Allen didn't get how this was a date. It was true that Kanda never had a sparring partner before Allen but this was training purposes and with how many bruises they left on each other and the brutality of the sparring. Seriously, it always looked like a death match each time even if that bookman apprentice always cooed and think it was just an excuse for them to touch each other. Something that strangely did not make Allen feel annoyed but felt his face heating up instead.  


 

"You will kill the one you love..." Master said that. It was impactful indeed and whenever Allen saw the mirror, the fourteen as always was grinning at him. All Allen could think of was it could not be helped. Just like how Link had to follow him everywhere and how some people think he's a traitor it could not be helped but he started having dreams. Dreams of killing a person he holds dear. The person was always faceless and he stabbed them mercilessly through the heart before laughing like a lunatic. He would then be awakened by Link who calmly tells him to snap out of it. Allen would then lay on his bed unable to sleep and stare at the ceiling waiting for the day to come. The day he kills someone he loves.  


 

They were all concern. Komui, Lavi, Lenalee and the science department even Kanda. They all saw dark circles under Allen's eyes and how haggard he looked but when they tried to ask him to take a break, Allen would just smile and tell them he's fine. He didn't even quarrel with Kanda anymore. When Kanda calls him Moyashi, Allen keeps silent and just gives Kanda a smile. When Kanda throws insults, Allen just ignores him altogether like he doesn't even exist. Allen doesn't even spar with him anymore. Which made Kanda even more annoyed seeing as he been releasing his stress through Allen and he missed it. He missed the bantering, the way Allen swallows his mountain of food and the sparring. Especially the sparring which was one of the best times for them both as they released their pent up stress through blows with each other before enjoying some quiet meditation. Kanda frowned, he had to know what was the reason behind Allen's sudden change of behaviour. He just had to know.  


 

The battle between the Earl and exorcist continued. Since Link was busy, Kanda was given the job of watching over Allen. Of course, he tried to refuse but a mission was a mission. Seeing as Kanda was one of the best exorcists and was known to not care about anyone he was perfect for the job.  


 

When Allen knew of this, he thought it was fine. Since Kanda couldn't care much about him, Kanda wouldn't be a concern. That was what Allen thought but even though Kanda didn't show it, he cared. He just spoke it through actions rather than words.  


 

When Kanda was with Allen, everyone was as concern. The two exorcist were famous for not getting along. They were scared that one day, one of them might kill the other for just being angry but Lenalee and Lavi knew Kanda. They knew that even though Kanda looks like he didn't get along or cared for the white-hair exorcist, he did.  


 

"Kanda, if I were to kill someone in the order, would you treat me as the enemy and kill me?" That was the first question Allen asked as Kanda came in the room. Kanda frowned, he was confused but seeing Allen this serious he knew he had to take this seriously. "I would," Kanda answered. Allen seems less tense as if some heavy burden was gone from his shoulders. He muttered a thank you and Kanda could only reply " Baka Moyashi..." Even though it was soft, Kanda heard Allen said: "My name is Allen, BaKanda." Kanda couldn't help it and smirk as he heard the retort. It has been so long since Allen bothered with such a reply after all.  


 

After a week, Allen started returning back Kanda's insults and they banter again. Allen looked a bit better and everyone knew that in Kanda's hand, Allen's condition was going to get better. Every morning, the two exorcists will spar with each other for training until they were exhausted. They will then eat breakfast together with Lenalee and Lavi. Kanda will want to decapitate Lavi as usual while Allen and Lenalee eat and chat.  


 

"Allen, do you like Kanda?" Lenalee asked. It was just another breakfast on a peaceful day. Kanda was dragged to the nearby town by Lavi and thus, Lenalee was asked to do Kanda's mission of watching over Allen. "Why do you think that?" Allen asked curiously. True, they did fight lesser now and his nightmares were getting fewer since Allen trusted that should he go out of control and want to kill someone he loves, he knows Kanda will stop him and that's why he been having less of that nightmare. Allen did trust Kanda but like was another thing. He cared, that's a given but like? He didn't know. Months ago he would have said a firm no but now? With the Master's words heavy in his mind, Allen shook his head. He ignored the flutter in his heart. He had to be ignorant. He had to be oblivious. It was the only way to keep walking on.  


 

"Well, even though you and Kanda don't seem to get along, you always banter with each other. It's like you're very polite to all of us but only to Kanda, you aren't. You always seem more relax with Kanda around." Lenalee tried to explain. They were very weird indeed. Allen always seems so polite but she knew he was keeping a distance from them but there was no distance between him and Kanda. Kanda had something that Allen relies on and can count on. Although she didn't know what it was, she was sort of glad that Allen found someone who he was comfortable with.  


 

"Does it matter? Kanda doesn't like me. He doesn't like anyone." Allen stated. Lenalee giggled. "What are you talking about? If Kanda doesn't like you he wouldn't even bother picking a fight with you! He will just ignore your existence. I think Kanda likes you the most, I dare say it might even lead to him falling in love with you!" Lenalee exclaimed.  


 

"Very funny Lenalee. I know your hobby but it's BaKanda we're talking about. He's just picking a fight because he's irritating like that." Allen spoke and shrugged. Lenalee decided to drop the conversation since she saw how troubled Allen looked at the prospect of Kanda developing feelings for him. Was she wrong? Did Allen not like Kanda? They changed their conversation and both went to Allen's room where he was told to wait for Kanda and she left.  


 

Allen was having a full-blown panic as he stared at the door waiting for Kanda to come in. If Kanda did have feelings for Allen he will surely be hurt and won't be able to kill Allen when the fourteen takes over. Allen thought that Kanda was the only one he can rely on seeing as he couldn't ask Lavi or Lenalee to kill him when the time comes. It will be too painful for them who are close to him but according to Lenalee Kanda does care. Now that Allen thinks about it, even though Kanda is harsh and mean he wasn't doing it out of fun but necessity. Whenever Allen falls, he knew Kanda would cover him but if Kanda is not as heartless as he seems it might pose a problem in the future. Who would be there to stop him?  


 

"Moyashi, stop daydreaming." Kanda mocked seeing Allen show no response to him showing up. Kanda frowned as the Moyashi just shrugged and went to the bathroom.  


 

"What happened?" Kanda asked Lenalee. She was about to deliver coffee to the science department only to see Kanda outside the door leading to her brother's office. "What do you mean what happened?" Lenalee asked. It was rare of Kanda to ask her a question. "Che, Baka Moyashi is acting strange again. What did you talk with him about?" Kanda elaborated. Lenalee frown in concern. Was Allen acting strange? " I told him you were not as cold-hearted as he thinks you are and that you like him," Lenalee answered. She was confused as Kanda just sigh and walked away but she knew that she should leave this to Kanda to handle. They were rivals ever since Allen came to the order. They don't get along but when it comes to fighting or thinking, nobody is as in sync as they are and naturally, nobody understood Allen as well as Kanda.

 

  
"Baka Moyashi, drink this." Kanda handed Allen a cup filled with white liquid in it. "My name is Allen! What is this?" Allen asked as he stared at the liquid. "Why, are you scared to drink this? Moyashi~" Kanda taunted. Allen fumed and drank the cup in one shot and all Kanda could think was he was not going to be fond of what follows as after a few minutes, Allen went to wrap his arms around Kanda's neck and kissed him. It was a lie, Kanda actually was really fond of what follows as he returned the kiss. Allen was always a clingy and honest drunk. That never seems to change. Kanda sigh as Allen sat on his lap and lean on Kanda's chest. Nobody knew about the effects of alcoholic drinks on Allen. Nobody but Kanda that is. He found out when Allen happened to mistake alcohol for another drink during one of the missions and even though Allen confessed many things that night, Kanda decided it would be better if Allen stayed ignorant of the incident. 'This time the drink is Sake so Moyashi should last for ten minutes before passing out.' Kanda thought as Allen started hiccuping.

 

  
"Moyashi, I need you to answer some of my questions." Kanda started speaking and Allen nodded. "What happened when you were with Lenalee?" Kanda asked. "She said...that you have f-feelings h-hic for me." Allen slurred in between his hiccups. Kanda paused and was tense after he heard that. "Then why are you troubled? Is it because I have feelings for you?" Allen nodded his head again. Do you not want me to have feelings for you?" Kanda quietly asked and looked at Allen. Allen reluctantly nodded his head before he leant on Kanda. "It's better that way BaKanda," Allen muttered before he passed out. "Che, you're so confusing BakaMoyashi," Kanda whispered as he laid Allen on the bed and covered him with blankets.

 

  
Allen was distant again but to make things worse, Kanda wasn't there to rescue him as usual. In fact, they were like ice and fire. They could not get along at all. It was not the normal banter they usually had. Whenever they saw each other it turned from bad mouthing to physical violence and someone always had to stop them.

 

  
The worst thing were missions. They never had any trouble before but now it was like the other person was out to interfere them. They were uncoordinated, clumsy and a hindrance to each other. They never communicated unless necessary and stayed away from each other like the idea of being together was extremely repulsive. It was certainly worrying.

 

  
"This is a problem. You two have been one of the best combinations so far but now you're just a mess. I will personally prefer to assign you two to solo missions or change partners but there are no solo missions available nor are there any other exorcist here. I'm not asking you to get along but to be able to at least be able to fight together again. Maybe a change in environment will help you. I'm sending you two to France to cool off. Deal with the issue and try to compromise. You're dismissed." Komui sigh as the two exorcists left without speaking a word to each other.  


 

"Moyashi, how long are you going to sulk?" Kanda asked. The two exorcist were in the train to France and the tension was clearly in the air. "BaKanda, my name is Allen. Repeat after me A-L-L-E-N! And I'm not sulking!" Allen retorted. "Che, if you weren't sulking then what was it? You barely spoke a word to anyone and just smile that stupid grin of yours but you still look so damn depressing. You look at your reflection like it's haunting you and you're having more nightmares than usual in the bed every night. What exactly are you trying to achieve?" Kanda asked staring at Allen. "This is the longest you ever talked BaKanda! Congratulations! Looks like you grew up a bit but this is none of your business." Allen mocked. "None of my business?" Kanda spoke. His tone was dangerous and he looked like he was about to pull out Mugen anytime. Allen sweat dropped at the aura Kanda was emitting as Kanda put one hand next to Allen's head and leant closer to the white-hair teen. "Listen, Allen fucking Walker, I reached the end of my patience with you. Everyone thinks you're in a fragile state and treats you like a piece of glass that can shatter any moment. Anyone that sees you clearly knows you're suffering. I have let you wallow in your self-pity long enough. This is a war! Anyone that is a liability should either get the fuck out-of-the-way or disappear altogether! A person not focused is a hindrance. Even one mistake in the battlefield can cause death. Do you want to save souls so much? Save yours first and stop being a martyr cause you're no saint. You're human like the rest of us. Do you not have anything important anymore to live for? Think about it, Baka Moyashi." Kanda stormed out of the cabin leaving Allen alone.  


 

"BaKanda, why can you always see through me?" Allen muttered bitterly as he stared at the empty seat recovering from Kanda's outburst. He sighed and left the seat, searching for Kanda.  


 

"I'm losing Kanda. There's no point in fighting a losing battle." Allen spoke. Kanda's grip on the handle became tighter but he stubbornly refused to look at Allen. "Moyashi, are you scared that if I develop feelings for you I will hesitate to kill you if you are the enemy?" Allen nodded knowing Kanda won't be able to see it. "Fine, then so be it." With that said the two exorcists never spoke again.  


 

Allen was frequently having nightmares again just that instead of a faceless person that he held dearly, it was replaced with Kanda. Yes, Allen unknowingly fell in love with Kanda and now, he knows he must avoid that guy like a plague until he can kill his feelings or make it numb.  


 

Weeks passed and they were cold as ice. Kanda was still as uncommunicative while Allen kept his gentleman façade. It was like an act that will never end. Until today, the crosses on Allen's face appeared and his skin turned from sickly pale to ashen grey.  


 

"Moyashi, open up," Kanda shouted and that's when Allen became jittery. Before Allen could think of anything Kanda kicked the door open only to see a Noah. He quickly activated his innocence only to see that the Noah was Allen.  


 

"Moyashi...why are you?" Kanda asked frowning in confusion. Then it all clicked. Why Moyashi has acted strange and being dependent on Kanda. Why he could control the Ark and the reason Link follows Moyashi around.  


 

"Che, Baka Moyashi. Quitting is worse than losing. It's your body not his so fight!" Kanda hissed seeing the unfamiliar orbs staring back at him. The person in front of him gave a cruel smirk before he widened his eyes and familiar grey orbs stared back at him. The figure mouthed a heartfelt thank you before passing out and skin returning to its original colour.  


 

"Kanda, you're here," Allen spoke with his voice echoing and the ticking of the clock could be heard. The room was filled with silence as the raven hair samurai stared back at the albino with a passive gaze. "I'll stop you if you can't stop yourself. Even if I have feelings for you I know you hate hurting anyone more than anything. So I'll respect it. The time you have left. I won't let anyone be hurt because of you. You want to be a destroyer that saves then you better act like it. I'll act my part and you'll act your part." Kanda said. The words until this act will be fallen apart left unsaid but was clearly stated. Allen to the Noah and Kanda with his limited time. They both knew their time was short but maybe, it wasn't that bad after all.  


 

They both had this unspoken truce and knew they could count on each other. They wouldn't step any further as they know their time is limited but maybe it won't hurt to continue down this road. Kanda abruptly pulled Allen into a kiss before releasing the blushing albino.  


 

"You talk in your sleep, Aren," Kanda whispered in Allen's ear. He smirked and left the room leaving Allen to his own devices. All Allen could say was "BaKanda, you jerk!"  


 

"Che, Baka Moyashi." Kanda quietly retorted as he left and walked off.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this on the fanfiction website but I decided to shift all my work here. Although, I edited it so that it won't be as rubbish as I think it is? Hope whoever is reading this likes it. Cheers!


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